Have you ever been in one of those moods that make you believe that only your family love you? And even that’s because they have to because well…they’re family? That’s how I feel right now. I think that there’s something about me people don’t like but have not been able to tell me (Like they’re all just tolerating me) I’m so sad right now. It’s only 1 hour 27 minutes past my birthday and I feel so worthless. I feel so unwanted. I kind of hate myself at the moment. I don’t want pity. It just hurts to feel this way. My best friends probably don’t care about me. Maybe I’m the only one who considers them as best friends. I don’t think anyone genuinely does care. This was my saddest and loneliest birthday and I blame no one. I have a wierd personality (I’m not too much of an introvert neither am i an extrovert).I don’t know who I am. Maybe it’s because of who I am that things have gone so badly for me.
I’m also sad because it just dawned on me that I’m ugly. Like I honestly really am. I hate myself so much now. I hate the way I look in pictures. I hate my photos so so so much. Unlike most people who hate what they see in the mirror, I like my reflection. But today, I’m beginning to think my reflection has been lying to me. I’m not exceedingly pretty but I thought I was okay until now. I just want the future to be better. I would have been suicidal but I want to give to my parents everything they have given to me and more before I attempt killing myself. I have things to check off my bucket list too.
I honestly can’t really explain why I’m sad. But I just feel really bad about myself. Maybe it’s because my friends didn’t do what I expected. But that’s what happens when you expect stuff from people. Even little things. Or maybe I’m just anxious that our examination is drawing near and I’m totally unprepared.
I’m sad that I hate myself too.