I’m sad.

Have you ever been in one of those moods that make you believe that only your family love you? And even that’s because they have to because well…they’re family? That’s how I feel right now. I think that there’s something about me people don’t like but have not been able to tell me (Like they’re all just tolerating me) I’m so sad right now. It’s only 1 hour 27 minutes past my birthday and I feel so worthless. I feel so unwanted. I kind of hate myself at the moment. I don’t want pity. It just hurts to feel this way. My best friends probably don’t care about me. Maybe I’m the only one who considers them as best friends. I don’t think anyone genuinely does care. This was my saddest and loneliest birthday and I blame no one. I have a wierd personality (I’m not too much of an introvert neither am i an extrovert).I don’t know who I am. Maybe it’s because of who I am that things have gone so badly for me.

I’m  also sad because it just dawned on me that I’m ugly. Like I honestly really am. I hate myself so much now. I hate the way I look in pictures. I hate my photos so so so much. Unlike most people who hate what they see in the mirror, I like my reflection. But today,  I’m beginning to think my reflection has been lying to me. I’m not exceedingly pretty but I thought I was okay until now. I just want the future to be better. I would have been suicidal but I want to give to my parents everything they have given to me and more before I attempt killing myself. I have things to check off my bucket list too. 

I honestly can’t really explain why I’m sad. But I just feel really bad about myself. Maybe it’s because my friends didn’t do what I expected. But that’s what happens when you expect stuff from people. Even little things. Or maybe I’m just anxious that our examination is drawing near and I’m totally unprepared.

I’m sad that I hate myself too.

29 thoughts on “I’m sad.

  1. Angela Ng says:

    Hi honey.. please don’t be so tough on yourself. Now that I’m inching closer to 30, I can totally relate slightly to my earlier days. Please know that it does get better. I actually wrote a post/letter to my 19 year old self a few weeks ago on my blog.. as well as some bits about happiness… so believe me, I’ve been there. I’ve learned a lot over the years and trust when I say it for sure gets better. Your life has barely started. We are our own worst critic but you’ll learn in due time that you have to be your own biggest cheerleader as well. Stay strong and do message me if you need to.

    Take good care and stop overthinking. Breathe.


  2. Cattie's World says:

    Cutie Pie, firstly Happy Birthday in Advance.
    Second – This feeling of “being sad” happens once in a while to everyone.
    I’ve been having this feelings since a year and half now, ever since they took me out of My IT Dept and transferred me to this boring branch.
    I feel all my friends have deserted me. No one cares for me anymore.
    Family cares, because “they are Family”, what else !!
    Friends take me for granted.
    BUT…………………THIS IS A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE !! Please do not think so damn negative !! You have to “Love Yourself” and just keep talking to “God”, when these moods comes up and Enjoy “your own Company”, do Shopping alone, watch movies alone, pamper yourself at the salon alone. Go out of your way to “deck-up” and make yourself look beautiful. And Screw Society. Once they see, that you are having a Good Time and Being Happy, people will get attracted to your “Positive Vibes” and come back to you.


  3. Evie says:

    I never met you or saw you in person but I already know ow beautiful you are! Want to know how I know? From reading the things you have written I can tell that you are kind hearted. I know how cliché this sounds but true beauty is radiated from the inside out, no matter what you look like physically.

    In this post you mentioned suicide? Please please please please promise me that you will NEVER go through with that!! Please! There are so many terrible people who live on this Earth. We can’t afford to lose an amazing, caring, kind hearted, beautiful woman like your self. I know that suicide will get rid of all your problems and sadness but it just passes that pain onto other people. Just ride your sadness out. I know it is a hard and rough ride but it will be over eventually and from it you will be stronger and braver.

    Sending lots of love your way and if you need to talk about anything, anything at all you can contact me through my blog or email me ( evieflee1@gmail.com ). I will always be there to listen and help!


  4. breakingthealcoholiccycle says:

    This post is so relatable, I’m 25 and I remember feeling a similar thing around my 17th Birthday. I’m happy to say I found my people when I went to university away from my hometown. I found a niche in the world where I’m celebrated and not tolerated. I really enjoy your writing btw, keep it up. I hope you’re feeling better x


  5. L. M. B. says:

    Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Martin Luther King, Jr.
    Chin up! Life goes on … one foot in front of the other ….step after step!


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