Knife-kissed (Flash fiction)

THIS MIGHT BE TRIGGERING!

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I close my eyes and take deep breaths. Inhaling one more time, I try again. The kitchen knife is on my wrist. Just there. I don’t have enough strength to apply some friction. My over-sized T-shirt is wet with sweat and tears. Heck, I hate myself so much it scares me. How do they do it? Those who kill themselves, how do they do it? It takes a lot of courage, a lot of pain, a lot of self-hate to successfully murder yourself. I’m going through the pain, yes. I hate myself a little too much but I don’t have that courage to just slit this thing I call my wrist. Ugh.

I’m like a time-bomb but instead of exploding into flames and smoke, I explode into tears and self-hate. One time, I cried because my brother misplaced my favourite earrings. I just spiralled into an hour of self-hate and intense hurt because of those stupid earrings. No, it wasn’t because of them. I was just tired. Sometimes, when life loads so much on your weak shoulders, you still act tough and manage to keep your back straight and chin up. Then a little breeze blows. Nothing heavy. Just a little breeze. And everything comes crushing down on you. That’s how it is now. Losing the earrings was my little breeze.

Right now, I’m crying because I mistakenly deleted my assignment. I’ve lost everything and the deadline is in two hours. I’m so stupid. Little breeze. I should have saved it as I was doing it. My anxiety has heightened so damn much. I’m going to fail, again.

I’m ugly, I’m dumb, I’m a waste of my parents’ money, I’m a waste of space. I need to be away from people forever. I deserve pain. I deserve to suffer. I’m the reason my parents broke up. Even my mom can’t stand me. I need to end this, but I can’t. Since I’m unable to kill myself, why doesn’t someone just do me the honours? Make it slow and painless, please. Let me savour my last moments. I want to be able to see my life flash before my eyes like a terrible horror movie.  At least, I won’t go to hell. That’s where all those who kill themselves go to, right? What about  an accident the next time I take a taxi? No one gets hurt but me, dead and gone. One casualty.

So my eyes are closed and I take deep breaths. Inhaling one last time, I put the knife down. I’ll hold my knees together and cry till my eyes are sore and then fall asleep on the bare floor of the basement.

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Thanks for reading.

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20 thoughts on “Knife-kissed (Flash fiction)

  1. whitebearonline says:

    Wow… that is a really tough-to-read post. Since you’ve already read my story, which might be different from yours in some ways, I think you can understand that you’re not alone. I guarantee this to you, there are periods in everyone’s life when we just break down and can’t do anything about it. You just gotta get through it, even though sometimes you might feel like you do not have powers to do that. I’ve helped my friend deal with something like this a couple times, and the support is what you always need. It might not be physical, but I’m here for you, even if many miles away ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pippa Peters says:

    Hey Adoma, I’m incredibly glad that I found your blog, because this is one of the few ones (if I’m going to be honest here) where I actually bother to read the entire post. I’ve been looking for a blog with good short stories for a long time now, and I’m happy to report that I’ve finally found it. The prose is simple, yet striking; plain, yet profound.

    That being said, I hope you’re okay. You’ve probably heard this a million times before, but everyone has these phases in life, and I’m sure you’ll get through it. If you ever need a friend to talk to, just drop me a message.

    Other than that, good luck! Looking forward to reading more content from you. 😀

    Like

  3. herwakeuptruth says:

    Nice piece. Read it some thing I wrote awhile back came to mind. Hope u like it….

    No matter how bad life is, i think its better than lying under the ground with sand in your nose for a long time
    Until your nose itself decides to decay.
    I mean, come on…. if its loneliness
    Don’t you prefer that to slimy maggots all over your ass
    You may ask to be cremated but when you die, you can only do so much to stop them from buying that casket
    No matter how high you heap insults no one would hear you from Hades
    And the bible says…
    Hades is for the ones who took their life
    Your situation must be really bad for you to want to take your own life
    I won’t pretend to understand but trust that I can if you will try
    But think about this for a second
    What if
    Highly unlikely, or is it?
    But just what if there’s this part of you that lives even when
    The doctors have confirmed you dead
    Once upon a time, the world was still complacent but scientist still had
    A whole new world of discoveries to make
    So just what if they are still yet to pounce on this one
    Everyone who ever died is somehow alive burnt or under the ground?
    You can’t tell me you would take that over this bright world of colour
    And THC filled drugs

    Liked by 1 person

  4. yuhublogger says:

    you have brought out the character’s emotions so well. I loved this line “Just a little breeze. And everything comes crushing down on you” I can totally relate to it. I hope the character feels better soon.

    Like

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